~ Defining Sexual Addiction


I felt like I was entering into a foreign land. Learning about sexual addiction brought a whole new language that I was totally unfamiliar with. Terms like sexual addiction, sexual anorexia, acting-out behaviors, codependency, denial, etc. were terms that I had either never heard of, or had not associated with my own life. For a very long time I found myself in a daze just trying to figure out how my life had gotten to this place. As I came out of that time, I learned that sexual addiction is not an addiction to sex as I had originally thought–but actually the inability to connect on an intimate level because of the fantasy that is going on in the thoughts. That then leads to sexual anorexia which is the withholding of sexual intimacy with the primary partner because of the fantasy and the connection with what the acting-out behaviors are (porn, prostitutes, strip clubs, cybersex, phone sex, etc.). I finally understood why I had always thought that Gary did not like sex. It was because in his double life, he was connected to his acting out behaviors which were strip clubs, massage parlors, and then prostitutes (as well as pornography and chat rooms). There had always been some questions about odd behaviors, but I never had any proof. Gary was very deceptive around that odd behavior, and I never really caught him at anything. He never brought porn into the house, all of his acting-out took place elsewhere. I have often said that a woman’s intuition gets sacrificed on an altar of ‘no proof.’ Have you ever felt something so strongly on a gut level, but could not put it all together in your relationship?

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